Vampire-Friendly

By Shweta Kakkar

The book Twilight- the story of which has been described briefly here - has raised several questions in my mind, the least of which is my unexplained obsession with it. It is, by all standards a very average book. The story is the kind that would appeal to a 16- year old silly girl who would read, starry-eyed, about the beautiful vampire and his deep and passionate feelings for what is essentially his meal- a girl. It would appeal to the teenage hormones because it would be the perfect imaginary prince that every girl dreams about- for whom she would be the focus of all life and the universe. Which is why I am disturbed by the fact that the book has found its way into my mind as well- 23 years old; not an encouraging sign for someone trying very hard to grow up and be sensible. This book made me realize that growing up is a lost cause and so I could happily indulge in guilt-free bakwas.Now that the maturing issue has been dealt with, I have thought of a few ups and downs that would accompany my knowing a vampire. The good news first.1. I would be able to actually hit somebody hard with my baseball bat, since vampires are supposed to be very strong. It would enable some use to my beautifully dangerous piece of wood that has been lying around useless since the time I bought it. What fun that would be! “Mr. Vampire, I am feeling disgruntled about nothing in particular. Would you please come over so I can vent my anger by smashing my baseball bat against you?” For an almost zen-like calm!2. It would be so much easier to travel the world- piggy ride all the way! I had recently had to struggle for a couple of months to arrange for finances that I needed to show in order to travel to a foreign land. When I couldn’t I had to deal with the disappointment of not being able to go. Imagine being above all the visa and foreign law hassles. “I feel like visiting Germany for the Oktoberfest this year. Mr. Vampire, would you please give me a piggy-back ride to Munich?” Pack your bag, and be there in record time!3. No need to share your food with a vampire. If, of course he can resist killing you and that could be a concern for you. But overlooking the minor detail, I know who I would take with me when I wanted a no-sharing gluttony experience. At the movies, where friends invariably and much to my irritation must always want a fistful of popcorn from my bucket, a long swig from my pepsi; no, no make that my DIET PEPSI and must always want to taste my precious nachos. With a vampire, all you need to do is rob a blood bank for a few units of blood, put it in a plastic glass with a straw and hand it to the vampire. No desire on either side to taste what the other is having. What a perfect life!4. A vampire friend would give me interesting insight into the life of people all through the ages that an average, 200-year old vampire would have seen. And if by any luck he is even older, he could be able to tell you how Cleopatra was not very pretty or the inside gossip about Napolean’s well-publicized fear of cats. Imagine a world where history is not dull!But there would be the cons as well.1. On the flip-side, there is the obvious and persistent death-threat. A vampire would be lured to your scent at all times and in the given scenario, it would be inadvisable to take a bath so as to not make the scent stronger and therefore your life, shorter. The arrangement suits me fine during the cold, winter months but summers would be a definite problem.2. The danger to my life would be heightened by the fact that I check my blood sugar at least 4 times a day. Prick; blood out; oops! Sorry Mr. Vampire, would you mind putting on the scent-obstructer around your nose and mouth that I have kept for the purpose?Not checking my blood sugar would also mean death, though it would be a slower and a more unpleasant form of it.Evaluating each side, the pros do seem to overshadow the cons. Any vampire out there, reading this post, kindly add me on FB. I will be the one, whose "looking for" detail on the FB info bit would say "vampire friends".